today i decided to get an early start. i woke before the rest of the world, grabbed a cuppa brew, the last napoleones from bacolod and headed to my studio downstairs to create.
i sat down in front of my working table, facing the stark emptiness of my blank canvass. my eyes unfocused for a moment, as i sipped my coffee, waiting for the caffeine to kick in and inspiration to strike.
i swivelled over to my lappy, noticing the little red thing that tells me i got some comments on my FB. drawn like a magnet, i checked it out right away. then, after going through FB notices and emails, i return to my blank slate, which is now rather intimidating.
the clock ticks a little louder as i notice an hour has already passed by.
after an unsatisfying attempt to sketch out a few compositions on the canvass, i justify getting up to wake up manilyn so she can start sweeping off the leaves from my yard.
upon returning, i realize i can't possibly continue without another cuppa coffee and head back to the kitchen just one more time. while filling my cup, i noticed some magazines skewed from how i put them, so i checked and started to re-arrange them, as i want them arranged. surely, after this and the second cuppa, i will be more at ease and able to channel my creativity.
only after the minutes turn to hours and my "early start" has become a late one do i realize that i have succumbed to the easy seduction of distractions.
ooops, i did it again!
in reality, it is my own internal resistance to the act of producing something. feelings of self-doubt, criticism, and negative beliefs produce an anxiety that cripples the creative process.
i often catch myself in this cycle when it comes time to paint.
i become anxious about what the final outcome will be even before i start, and have to force myself to let go and allow myself to create without expectation, without judgement and without protection. i don't always arrive at the place easily. sometimes it takes hours, sometimes even days, before i am able to push through the discomfort and put brush to canvass.
i have learned that leaning into the flame, not away from it, is the best solution. if i allow myself to sit long enough with those uncomfortable feelings, and create anyway, i eventually discover that those feelings subside.
when the craving to distract myself appears, as i know it does, i simply sit and wait for some minutes before taking action. the power of the craving, while initially intense, will become more tolerable to withstand. i begin to gain conscious control of myself, rather than instinctively seek a diversion.
i learned to sit still, and work through that resistance to creativity. it means staying at the canvass, or the computer, and creating nonetheless.
creativity will win over the feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and criticism.
before i know it, i have that productive day i was seeking. go, go, go! create!